Dreams and fears

Well, I move in to college on the 19th. I’ve barely spoken with my roommates on Facebook and I only know one other person who’s going to be there (although I talked to him last in Middle School).

I’m quite excited, but I’m also overwhelmingly nervous. A month ago I thought I was all ready and that I’d be totally fine with moving in, but now, a week before I leave it’s all starting to catch up with me.

I’m worried that I’ll be too shy to meet new people and that I’ll spend all my time alone. I’m worried that I won’t get along with my roommate. I’m worried that I’ll do poorly in my classes. I’m worried I’ll feel as alienated as I did in High School.

I’m used to being alone, after all, I’ve been alone my entire life but I don’t want to be alone any longer.

One night, I stumbled across this image in some forum. Something about it just spoke to me, and I couldn’t look away.

From darkness to wonder

I don’t know who this is or where it came from, and when I tried to find out it only seemed to be some desktop wallpaper that’s been floating around for a while. Anyway, what struck me about this photo is that it’s almost anonymous in nature—simply a hooded woman in the dark looking out towards a light source.

In this image, I see so much more. I see someone in the dark and in the cold, looking for something that they may not find for a while. I see someone alone, much like myself, thinking about life and the universe. I see someone awake at 3 AM, reading something on a bright computer screen, tired but continuing. I see someone who shares the same thoughts and feelings. I see someone who I want to talk to and share my doubts and fears. I see someone I want to love. (not the person in the picture, of course, but the characteristics that I see in this picture).

But alas! This is just a hope, a mere fragment of my imagination, that may never be.

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Step back and think

You know, there are a lot of things that I never really thought about.

The other night, I was lying awake and thinking about a discussion I had had with a few friends on Facebook. The center of this discussion was Time, what it was, how it exists, and why it matters. This lead me to thinking about science in general and then I had an amazing thought.

We really are an amazing species, humans, as we are constantly trying to understand things better. Our theories are passed down and taught and this is what really astonished me. When I was in school, I hated it. I didn’t fit in, I was scared and I just felt so alone (this is worthy of it’s own post, but that will come when I feel like it).

Anyway, I started to realize that education was just never explained to me, or maybe I just never understood it until now. Everything we are taught in school was discovered by someone else, and that person thought it important enough to tell someone else. Math, science, history – it’s all amazing to me now. To think that people came up with all these math equations and all these scientific laws.

The most defining characteristic of humanity, in my mind, is our ability to collaborate on just about anything and that amazes me to no end.

/ramblings